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I'm marking three months of sobriety and seeking advice on supporting my 11-year-old autistic son. Through rehabilitation and AA, I've reached this milestone, though my alcohol use intensified during the last couple of years. Before that, I was alcohol-free for the initial six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Challenges

Towards the end, my drinking was constant, and my son saw me unstable and deeply unhappy. He developed a feeling of duty, believing he was the only one who could prevent me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I feel utterly ashamed about this. I have often told him that only I can control my actions.

He lived with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He moved back in with me when he started high school in September. Confidence between us is slowly growing as he observes that I am sober and devoting all my energy into improving.

Present Difficulties and Emotions

He remains overly watchful and anxious about my well-being. This means, he is very restrictive of my actions—in part due to fear about my drinking, but also because he is autistic and anxious about anything unpredictable. I'm focusing on confidence and limits; it's tempting to yield to his demands, but that doesn't feel right as a parent. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to family support while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from nearby addiction services. In the meantime, I feel really uncertain about how to communicate with him. I aim not to cause him distress, but I also wish not to ignore the previous events. In what way do we progress?

Professional Advice on Healing

Children require a sense of safe, especially after unpredictable times when they couldn't be sure if their caregiver could keep them secure. They might feel worried about raising these topics now. Kids often think things are their fault—taking the blame instead of their parents, as the other option feels too threatening. Being autistic can exacerbate these feelings.

People in active addiction often make apologies they may not be able to keep. This makes it difficult for loved ones to know what to trust.

It is not unusual for those in addiction to make assurances they may not uphold. As a result, family may struggle to challenging to believe them. In addition to limits, it's very important to be reliable and demonstrate your son that things are better, instead of just saying him.

Useful Actions for Dialogue and Support

Concentrate on him settling in at school and create a solid routine. Then, present the concept that any topic is forbidden—if you're open to it. Mealtimes can be a suitable time to chat, as can side-by-side tasks like strolling or traveling, since they require minimal eye contact, which some people find overwhelming. Maybe there's an activity you and your son like doing together? Don't think "we must talk," but look for chances for conversation and see if they happen. Additionally, think about your son's favored way of expressing himself—it may not be talking; it could be through writing, or a mix of both.

It is essential for him to know that his refuge apart from home might be with his dad. You should avoid feeling hurt if he wants to go there at times. This isn't a sign you've failed—this is a process that isn't linear.

Separating Personal Needs from His

It's vital to separate your needs from your son's. Make sure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—to absolve yourself—because you can't do that through your son. You'll concentrate more effectively on what he needs if you have strong assistance yourself.

You're doing really well. Keep going.